Signs to spot abusive men

Saturday, March 14, 2009 (The Mirror)
By Rebecca Kwei
On March 8, the world celebrated International Women’s Day which was on the theme “Women and men united to end violence against women and girls”.
The media is replete with stories of violence against women and girls. Hardly a day passes by without news of a woman or a girl suffering one abuse or the other not only in Ghana but the world over.
Women, whatever their status in life may be, suffer from various forms of violence — physical, mental, sexual, verbal and economic.
There is a misconception that only the poor and illiterate women were subject to violence. But, women educated or not, employed or otherwise, have to bear the brunt violence and almost all incidents of violence were perpetrated by their intimate partners, relatives, neighbours and acquaintances.
Sadly, there are many women in abusive relationships and they are afraid to get out because they are not empowered economically and depend solely on their partners. Another reason is that cultural or religious which encourages the preservation of the family.
The focus of this article is help women in relationships spot abusive men so that they can see the early signs and get out before it is too late.
A relationship expert, Stephany Alexander notes that abusive relationships are characterised by control games, violence, jealousy and withholding sex and emotional contact.
Writing on signs of an abusive man, she explains that “an emotionally abusive man is harder to pin-point and a skilled, abusive man can easily make you think you aren't good enough or that everything is your fault. It is just as difficult to recover from emotional abuse as it is from physical abuse.
Emotional abuse causes low self-esteem and depression. An abusive man may tell you he loves you or that he will change, so you won't leave. However, the number of times you take him back, the more control he will gain. Empty promises become the norm. Make sure you pay attention to his actions and not merely his words. As the old saying goes, "actions speak louder than words." Abusive relationships are never abusive in the beginning. If they were, women would dump the abusive men immediately in search of a good man.
Stephany outlines these 10 signs an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.
Jealousy and possessiveness — He becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you've been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
Control — He is overly demanding of your time and must be the centre of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if the woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
Superiority — He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be "right" by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
Manipulates — Tells you you're crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it's your fault he is abusive. Says he can't help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to "help" him. Tells others you are unstable.
Mood swings — His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
Actions don't match words — He breaks promises, says he loves you and then abuses you.
Punishes you — An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the "silent game" as punishment when he doesn't get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticising you.
Unwilling to seek help — An abusive man doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
Disrespects women —Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
Has a history of abusing women or was abused himself - Batterers repeat their patterns and seek out women who are submissive and can be controlled. Abusive behaviour can be a generational dysfunction and abused men have a great chance of becoming abusers.