When love hurts

Saturday, March 28, 2009 (The Mirror Pg 19)
By Rebecca Kwei
Chris Brown and Rihanna, both R&B stars in the USA, were one of the hottest young couples. Both were doing well in the music career until the unexpected happened in February this year.
Chris is alleged to have assaulted Rihanna and made criminal threats. He has been arraigned.
For many, it was a fairy-tale romance gone awry and it has once again brought to the fore the issue of violence against women in relationships.
There are many ‘Rihannas’ the world over whose stories have not made headlines and are suffering silently.
In the wake of what happened between Chris and Rihanna and the rumours to the effect that the two had reconciled, the question of whether to ‘run for your life’ the first time your boyfriend or husband hits you has surfaced again.
Popular talk-show host, Oprah Winfrey, advising Rihanna on one of her programmes recently, said, “You need somebody to tell you the truth in this moment. And the truth is, guys, both Chris and Rihanna, if I were your friend, I would call you up and I would say, ‘Give it some time; get yourself some counselling; take care of yourself, heal yourself first’.
And also, ‘Love doesn’t hurt’. I’ve been saying this to women for years — love doesn’t hurt. And if a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again. I don’t care what his plea is, he will hit you again”.
According to relationship experts, women respond differently according to their circumstances when they are abused. Some women hope or want to believe that the man won’t do it again. They want to believe that he is the same person he was when they first met and the relationship will work out in the long run.
So will you call it quits when your boyfriend or husband beats you?
“Sincerely, I will know how to react . . . it depends . . . If he is my boyfriend, I’ll call it quits immediately, but if we are married, I will caution him. If he repeats it, then I’ll advise myself. It’s not easy walking out of a relationship and one needs to be tactful when dealing with such issues,” says Machoe, a graphic designer.
“Violence against women is terrible and I’m not for it at all,” she adds.
Most relationship experts advise that “if he hits you once run for the hills” because most often the situation never gets better. And violence doesn't always begin with a black eye. It can start small and get bigger; much bigger, big enough to send a victim to the hospital or the grave.
Another approach for relationship experts is for the victim to write down the pros and cons of staying or leaving the relationship; tell a trustworthy, objective adult or counsellor of what is going on.
But, really, the choice of leaving or staying in an abusive relationship lies totally on the laps of the victim — it’s a decision she has to make and be responsible for. One question you should ask yourself is whether he will hit you if he really loves you.
There is no denying the fact that taking a walk from a relationship is hard but recognising domestic violence for what it means, getting the help you need and protecting yourself against violence or escaping the relationship are some of measures prevent yourself from becoming another statistic.